Thursday, September 13, 2012

In which we learn that Elise is incompetent.

Claire's birthday came last month. She is now five. Birthdays at our house are not traditionally big parties. Birthdays involve cake, a present or two, and--if you're a student--a treat at school.

I'd been asking Claire what kind of treat she wanted me to bring to her kindergarten class for a long time. For Grace I had brought gummy worms in Oreo-dirt and pudding. The next year I'd taken nothing cookies. (Recipes for those soon because they are fabulous.) So Claire had high expectations. You know, as far as our family goes.

I thought I would help her out by looking with her on pinterest for some birthday treat ideas.

This was a stupid idea.

Claire fell in love with Bakerella's Hello Kitty cake pops. And I, being completely inexperienced in the world of decorative foods, agreed that Hello Kitty cake pops would be a great idea.

That was also stupid.

First of all, you have to understand (because I'm SURE I've never mentioned it before): I live in a desert island. The only cake decorating/baking/craft store within 90 miles is Walmart. And I'm sure this will shock many of you, but Walmart supply on such supplies is spotty. Seasonal. Sometimes non-existent. So I had to forgo a few supplies. Like the iconic heart-sprinkle hairbow. I got a bag of red icing instead.

But I was hopeful and expectant. Excited for them to turn out beautifully and be the model creative-loving-attentive mother.

I started a week early. I had a lot of stuff to do that week. Like I had to write the Primary Program. I had to take Brad to the nearest airport 70 miles away so he could pick up his new truck in Houston because his got totaled. I had to go to my first obstetrics appointment in a city 90 miles away. I had to teach a beginning photography class to junior high schoolers. I needed time.

So I waited until the kids were in bed and Brad was watching the RNC. I spent a couple of hours mixing the cake. Waiting for it to bake. Waiting for it to cool. Dumping it out. Mixing it with frosting. Molding each cake ball oval around a little lollipop stick.

And the cake balls refused to stick. So I put them in the freezer. And I went to bed.

The next night I spent an hour and a half or so melting candy buttons and attaching white chocolate chip ears to the frozen little Kitty heads.

My back started to really hurt. So I said goodnight to 26 Hello Kitties and put them to bed in the freezer.

The next night I melted more candy buttons and brushed each Kitty with gooey whiteness. That took an hour or so. Bakerella says to dip them. But my kitties kept falling off the stick. Dipping was not an option. So I brushed away.

The result was seriously depressing.

I thought: "maybe they'll look better with faces."

So I put yellow sprinkles on 25 kitties (one poor kitty had gone the way of all the earth). Bakerella says to use mini colored baking chips. News flash. These are not for sale where I live. Not anywhere. So I used large yellow sprinkles. Don't bug me about it.

Then, Then. Then it was the night before Claire's birthday. I needed to finish them before class the next day. It was time to draw on eyes. I used an edible ink pen. Which Walmart generously decided to make available to us small town hicks.

After my first little kitty got eyes, the pen stopped working.

I have a love/hate relationship with Walmart.

I had a single kitty. And she was what you might call a reject. I couldn't bring myself to spend another whoknowshowlong piping red bows on the pathetic looking creatures.

Bakerella fail.

I would not be arriving in Claire's classroom as a caring, attentive and creative mother.

I would be arriving as a mad woman with deformed, eyeless kittens.

I took doughnuts instead.

Now I look like the rotten mother who forgot her daughter's birthday.